The End Is Where We Start From
by Lo613
Summary: In which River wants the Doctor to take her to Darillium, and he refuses. Until he doesn't.


**I've had this written for over a month actually...But the size of it made me carefully avoid it to work on smaller stories instead. Sorry bout that. Either way, it's up now. Go ahead and enjoy! Disclaimer- Rory would have gotten a BAMF death if I owned the show. But he didn't. So I don't.**

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The first time he shows up at her cell in Stormcage, he swaggers up to her with a ridiculously goofy grin plastered to his face, alongside a bowtie on his neck, and asks her where she wants to go.

Anywhere, he says. His promises are filled with all of time and space, and she can pick any of it.

So she choses Darillium. She choses the Singing Towers of Darillium and watches as the grin slides right off the Doctor's face, leaving an utterly desolated look it its place. But he is the Doctor, and as such the look only lasts for a second before another lazy smile is gracing his features.

Nah, he says. It has to be better than that. Singing towers? He laughs. Mere novelties like that won't do, not for her. He leans forwards, hands planted on the thick iron bars that separate them, and tells her to chose again.

Anywhere, he says. All of time and space at your disposal, he promises. And suddenly he turns serious again, and River can see the quiet rage, the almost uncontainable fury that has the power to stop entire armies in their tracks and make them just turn away.

Anywhere, he says once more. Anywhere but Darillium.

River choses the Traxis Falls, year 5201.

And she doesn't dare ask.

**oOo**

It's her birthday and River is pacing in her cell, playing with her hair, trying to make sure she looks as nice as she can, waiting on the Doctor. She's wondering, that if the Doctor can't manage to show up on time with a TARDIS, exactly how he would fare if he didn't have all of time and space at his command, when the familiar rasping noise that is the TARDIS sounds, and River races to the front of her cell and sees the Doctor.

He steps in front of her and smiles as he whips put his sonic screwdriver, undoing the lock and releasing River.

"Where to?" He asks. River considers a moment.

"Darillium." She says, hoping that, this time around, he'll take her. Instead, the Doctor sets his jaw and stares hard at her with deep green eyes.

"Absolutely not." He nearly growls, though River can see that his rage is not directed at her anymore than it is at the cold stone floor he stands on. Without warning, all signs of anger are gone and he motions to the TARDIS, starting towards it.

"I was thinking New York, if that's fine with you. We could walk on the beach. Or something. Whatever it is that normal people do during summer in New York." He said, voice remarkably light considering what it had been just moments ago.

River rolls her eyes at what the Doctor is saying now, something about omnipotent powers on the 500th floor of the Empire State Building that he really must look into sometime soon, but certainly not tonight, he hurriedly assures River, opening the TARDIS doors and letting her in before racing over to the console and putting in the commands for their destination.

As it would turn out, the Doctor misses summer by five months and instead lands them during December. It is 23 degrees outside and the idea of walking on the beach is promptly thrown out the window. Initially, he is disappointed, until River mentions ice skating. The Doctor grins, and gives her a pat on the head as he runs off to the hallways of the TARDIS, which River finds to be a bit patronizing, but she lets it slide just this once.

Moments later, the Time Lord reappears, two pairs of ice skates in hand.

"I think these are your size..." He says uncertainly.

River nods.

"Those are fine, honey." She assures, taking the pair from the Doctor and slinging them over her shoulder, starting for the TARDIS's doors, the Doctor right beside her.

Half an hour later, River and the Doctor are on New York's outside ice rink, enjoying themselves, not a care in the world. River is laughing at the Doctor as he tries to skate; his tall, skinny, almost adolescent like body makes it exceedingly difficult for him, and despite his best efforts, he's mostly a mess of gangly flailing limbs, trying desperately to at least keep himself out of other people's ways so that when he does fall, he avoids creating an entire pile of people who trip over him.

The results are varied.

After a while of this, he stumbles over to the sidewall of the rink and leans against it, hunting for River in the crowd.

It is not difficult to find her.

River sticks out against the crowd. She's just about the most graceful person out there, weaving her way in and out of groups, making it look effortless. The Doctor wonders when River learned to skate like that. He makes a mental note to ask her about it later, and continues to watch both her and her amazing movements.

The Doctor decides that he's perfectly fine with having missed the month he had been aiming for.

River seems to be enjoying herself, and he's certainly not complaining.

He thinks that he and River, they can keep like this forever. They can continue to gallivant through the stars, saving worlds, exploring the endless wonders of the universe.

And then he remembers Darillium.

The Doctor swallows the lump that forms in his throat and rejoins River, who just passed him on the ice. He does his best not to think about that.

**oOo**

"River."

River stops dead in her tracks and spins around, finding herself face to face with the Doctor in the middle of a street on Skyrial. She notices the TARDIS on the side of the street, no more than fifty feet away, and the first thing she notices is that the Doctor was remarkably quiet in landing his ship. Quiet enough that she realizes tha he must have used the trick with the parking brake she showed him. The second thing she notices is that he looks different. He's gotten a haircut and he's wearing a different bowtie than usual.

It's silly how she notices these small things, seeing as how he could change his entire body into someone she wouldn't even recognize if he needed to, but that doesn't stop her from noticing them.

"Doctor."

The Time Lord smirked at her some.

"Anywhere you want to go?" He asks.

Its been years since River has asked about Darillium.

"You promise to take me?"

"I promise."

"Darillium."

A flash of something, River isn't quite sure what - Fear? Anger? Some mix of the two? - makes an appearance in the Doctor's eyes, and for a second, he looks as if he's going to argue. He gets as far as opening his mouth, and River swears that in that moment, he's no longer the Doctor she knows; he's the Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer of Worlds. Then, with no warning, his shoulders slump, he screws his eyes shut, and he becomes the very definition of defeated acceptance.

Like he's given up.

Which, needless to say, alarms River to no end.

The Doctor does not give up. Ever. She knows that he will face impossible odds and come out on top against them, and she has seen him do it, many, _many_, times. So for him to give up on this so very easily, it's...unnerving.

He mutters something under his breath that River can't quite make out, and that snaps her from her train of thought.

"What was that?"

"...Alright."

The Time Lord forced a pained smile and lead River towards the TARDIS, and he places a hand over her shoulders, and that downright scares River.

The Doctor, especially in this regeneration, has always loved hugs, or any form of friendly physical contact as far as River can tell, but this, he's almost being timid. The Doctor is a mad, impossible, outrageous man. He is may things. He is a hero, a villain, a friend and an enemy. He is a reaper to some, and a final chance of redemption to a great many more. He is fire and ice and the heart of the storm. The one thing he is not, however, is timid.

"Doctor?" Asked River as they enter the TARDIS and close the doors.

"...Yes?"

"You never would take me to Darillium. Why? What happens there?"

There is a silence that echos in the console room and seems to last an eternity before ending.

And when it does end, the voice that does it is broken, and that terrifies River more than anything else she could ever think of.

"Spoilers."

**oOo**

River Song, with her vast intellect and quick wits, is not an easy person to confuse. In fact, she would even go so far as to say that she is a very difficult person to confuse. But in this moment, with a blanket spread beneath her and the Doctor, their picnic basket off to the side, listening to the Towers sing in the distance, River must admit that she is slightly thrown.

They've been here for over an hour and nothing traumatic has happened.

And that, she believes, is a very good reason for her to be confused. Especially given the Doctor's earlier reaction.

"Nothing's exploded yet." Sher noted mildly.

"Nope." The Time Lord replied, voice less strained than it had been before, but still remarkably tight for him.

"Nothing's tried to invade here either."

"Not yet."

"And neither of us have died." River concluded, turning her attention back to the Towers.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

This was taking too long.

River turns back to the Doctor, and right away. Oxides that something is very wrong here.

The Time Lord is sitting, stock still, no movement coming from him at all, save the slight tremor in his hands.

"Doctor?"

Pause.

"Yes?"

"...Are you alright?"

The Doctor forces a smile that somehow seems even thinner than usual and nods.

"Of course I'm okay. I'm always alright." He replied, repeating the lie he'd so often told in his previous regeneration. He was quiet a moment. "...I'm the king of alright." He muttered, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his tweed jacket.

Really and properly thrown for a loop now, River positions herself so that she is no longer sitting next to the Time Lord; rather she is sitting directly across from him, and quickly glances at his face.

She immediately wishes she hadn't.

"...You're crying." She noted, just a hint of fear in her voice. Very few things made the Doctor cry, this she knows. In fact, right now she can think of only one thing that can make him cry.

The loss of a companion, a friend, someone he knows and loves with both his hearts.

At the sound of River's voice, the Doctor wipes at his eyes again, and though he does his best to put on a brave face to meet River's steady gaze with, he doesn't argue with what she's said.

"...Yeah." He agrees instead.

"Why?" She asks, not entirely sure that she even wants to know the answer.

"I can't tell you."

"Of course you can. You know you can tell me whatever it is."

"No..." The Doctor trailed off. "You're not getting it...I _can't_ tell you. You told me that I didn't tell you."

And River understands. The Doctor was told by another version of her that he didn't tell her why he was crying, so he couldn't tell her, not even if he wanted to.

"Oh."

"I wouldn't tell you anyways. Even if I could. I- I wouldn't do that to you."

River had asked earlier, and had been denied an answer, but she feels like she needs to know what happens. It's worth another try, she decides.

"What happens after this?"

"...I can't tell you that either."

Doing her best to try and understand whatever reasons the Doctor has for not telling her, and she trusts him that they must be very good ones, River accepts that she's not going to be getting the answer to her question, at least for the time being, and instead brings her attention back to the Towers, allowing for te subject to drop, much to the Doctor's relief, she imagines. There is a slight rustling sound as the Doctor too, adjusts his position to watch the Towers as well.

For the rest of the night, they talk and laugh, and do their best to enjoy themselves in the moment.

Neither of them talk about what the future holds.

**oOo**

_Late that night_

River stepped out of the TARDIS, into the seemingly empty alley the Doctor had landed them in, back on Skyrial. The Doctor joined her, closing the doors to his ship, and then turned to face her, and simply stared at River, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"I just-" He started, the broke off, carefully chosing every word he was about to speak. "I just want you to know, that no mater what _he-" _The word is spat out with what River had previously thought to be an impossible amount of contempt, "Says...No matter what he says, I just want you to know that I still...I still love you."

River nods, not quite sure what to make of this.

"Of course." She quietly replies. "I love you too."

"I really mean it though." Said the Doctor, and he sounds scared as he says it, like he's terrified that River won't believe what he's telling her. "I really do. I always have and I always will." His words are running together by this point and he looks as if he's about to cry again. "I just- I need you to remember that. Promise me, River. Please. Tell me you'll remember that."

"I'll remember. I promise."

A shaky smile appears on the Doctor's face, and though it it less sure and smaller than most, somehow, it also seems more genuine.

He turns away from River and starts towards the TARDIS, and manages to get as far as to open the door and take a step into the console room before River speaks.

"Goodbye, Sweetie."

He closes the door.

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**I'm sort of sorry for writing this, but not really. Sorry that I'm not sorry. Moving on, if you could leave me a review and tell me what you thought of this, it would make you at least 20% cooler. If you leave me a review with what you thought, and an idea for a story on top of that, I just might construct a shrine in your honor. At a minimum, I'll come check out your stories. Anywho, thanks for reading, have a brilliant day, and DFTBA!**


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